Fleabag - The Biscuit Conundrum
INT. FLEABAG’S CAFE - DAY
FLEABAG (early 30s, quirky, a beautiful disaster) wipes down the counter in her eccentric yet charming cafe. Her best friend, BOO (late 20s, sweet, but wise) restocks the pastry case. FLEABAG looks straight into the camera, smirking.
FLEABAG: (to the camera) Remember those biscuits that everyone loves? Yeah, the ones that are keeping this place afloat. Well, guess who’s out of them?
Boo notices the empty biscuit jar.
BOO: We’re out of the biscuits? Since when?
FLEABAG: Feels like forever, doesn’t it?
BOO: What are we going to do, Fleabag? These customers are going to be pissed!
Fleabag glances at the growing queue of customers.
FLEABAG: (to the camera) She’s not wrong. (to Boo) We’ve got to find the original recipe, and fast. Mum had it tucked away somewhere...
INT. MUM AND DAD’S HOUSE - DAY
Fleabag and Boo frantically search the house for the mysterious biscuit recipe. As they do so, Fleabag’s SISTER, CLAIRE (mid-30s, uptight, skeptical) walks in, surprised by the intrusion.
CLAIRE: What the hell are you doing here?
FLEABAG: Searching for mum’s recipe.
CLAIRE: Why? So you can mess it up like everything else in your life?
FLEABAG: (to the camera) Here comes the love. (to Claire) I'm running low on cash, Claire. I can't afford another disaster.
BOO: Claire, come on. We really need your help.
Claire sighs, resigned, and reluctantly joins the search.
INT. MUM AND DAD’S HOUSE - NIGHT
Frustrated, the three women are sprawled amidst an endless sea of papers, cookbooks, and memories. Suddenly, Boo leaps to her feet, victoriously waving a piece of paper.
BOO: I found it!
FLEABAG: (to the camera) Praise the Lord! (to Boo) Let’s get baking!
INT. FLEABAG’S CAFE - DAY
The cafe is alive with customers raving about the newly restocked biscuits. Just as Fleabag serves the last one, Dad (late 50s, lovable, but detached) walks in, carrying an old box of belongings.
DAD: I found another box of your mum’s recipes while I was cleaning. Thought you might want to have a look.
Fleabag hesitates, unsure of what to make of the sudden discovery. She locks eyes with the camera, a smirk beginning to form.
FLEABAG: Might as well give it a shot.
TO BE CONTINUED.
Fleabag: A Flea's Chance
INT. FLEABAG'S CAFE - MORNING
FLEABAG, CLAIRE and MARTIN are having breakfast at Fleabag's cafe. Fleabag is behind the counter, while Claire and Martin sit at a table.
FLEABAG (V.O.): I've really made progress. My cafe now serves trashier, cheaper food. Say hello to success.
Fleabag smirks towards the camera.
CLAIRE: God, you weren't joking about the trash.
MARTIN: It's got charm.
FLEABAG: It's got profit margins.
The cafe door swings open, revealing HARRY.
FLEABAG (V.O.): Speak of the devil...
HARRY: Hi there. I didn't realize you'd changed the menu.
FLEABAG: Yes, fancied trying something new.
HARRY: I suppose change... can be good.
FLEABAG: Have you had those changes yet?
HARRY: Some...
Fleabag observes a RING on Harry's finger.
FLEABAG (V.O.): Spoke too soon.
CUT TO:
EXT. FLEABAG'S CAFE - LATER
Fleabag and Claire step outside for a chat.
CLAIRE: So he's married now?
FLEABAG: Seems so.
CLAIRE: And you're... okay?
FLEABAG: Surprisingly, yes.
As they speak, a scruffy-looking DOG passes by, catching Fleabag's attention.
FLEABAG (V.O.): Could this day get any better?
Fleabag notices an OLD LADY, holding a FLEA MARKET sign. Fleabag's eyes light up with excitement.
FLEABAG: Claire, remember that antique vase you said you were looking for?
CUT TO:
EXT. FLEA MARKET - DAY
At the flea market, Fleabag and Claire peruse the various stands. Fleabag stops at one with an assortment of shabby items.
FLEABAG (V.O.): My next project: flea market flipping.
Fleabag picks up a BROKEN CLOCK.
FLEABAG: Pristine condition.
CLAIRE: It's broken.
FLEABAG (V.O.): Like my heart. But he took my pussy too.
CLAIRE: What do you think about this vase?
FLEABAG: It's perfect.
As they continue browsing, Fleabag gets a call from MARTIN.
FLEABAG (V.O.): God, what now?
MARTIN (on the phone): Bad news - the cafe has a flea infestation.
FLEABAG: So that's where the dog came from...
MARTIN: What?
FLEABAG: Nothing. We'll be right there.
CUT TO:
INT. FLEABAG'S CAFE - LATER
Fleabag, Claire, and Martin assess the closed-down cafe.
FLEABAG: Any chance we can turn this into a selling point?
MARTIN: Fleas? Not likely. But uh, we can try flea-valet.
FLEABAG (V.O.): Sarcasm doesn't suit you, Martin.
As they brainstorm solutions, FLEABAG gets a text from GODMOTHER.
TEXT ON SCREEN: '7pm tonight. Art exhibit. Don't be late.'
FLEABAG (V.O.): Can't a girl catch a break?
TO BE CONTINUED.
Fleabag: A Second Chance
INT. FLEABAG'S CAFE - DAY
Fleabag (Phoebe Waller-Bridge) glances at the empty cafe, sighs, and leans over the counter. She turns her gaze to the camera and smirks.
FLEABAG
Another thrilling day at the cafe.
Boo (Jenny Rainsford) enters, wearing her trademark guinea pig sweater. Fleabag shoots Boo a surprised look.
FLEABAG
I thought you were in that better place.
BOO
Turns out, they've got a killer guinea pig problem, and I'm the guinea pig whisperer.
Boo and Fleabag share a laugh.
INT. FLEABAG'S CAFE - LATER
Fleabag and Boo clean the cafe. A CUSTOMER (mid-30s) enters, looking distraught. Fleabag perks up.
FLEABAG
(to the customer)
Hello, what can I get you?
CUSTOMER
My husband is having an affair. I need... something - anything - to feel better.
Fleabag and Boo exchange glances. Fleabag turns to the customer.
FLEABAG
We've got just the thing.
INT. FLEABAG'S CAFE - DAY
Fleabag, Boo, and the customer sit in a circle on the cafe floor holding the cafe's signature guinea pigs.
FLEABAG
There's something about guinea pigs that's... therapeutic.
CUSTOMER
I suppose they do make everything seem a bit more bearable.
Boo looks at Fleabag, grinning.
BOO
Guinea pig therapy. We could make it a thing.
Fleabag glances at the camera, smirking.
FLEABAG
What could possibly go wrong?
INT. GUINEA PIG THERAPY ROOM - DAY
The newly-transformed guinea pig therapy room is full of clients, each holding a guinea pig. Fleabag attends to them while Boo handles the logistics.
INT. GUINEA PIG THERAPY ROOM - LATER
As the last client exits, Fleabag, exhausted, plops down on a chair. Claire (Sian Clifford) enters.
CLAIRE
I heard about your new venture. Guinea pig therapy, really?
FLEABAG
It's a hit! Who knew people would pay good money to hold a guinea pig and vent their problems?
Suddenly, Martin (Brett Gelman) bursts in, holding a guinea pig, wild-eyed.
MARTIN
I heard you were exploiting guinea pigs now. I'm here for the therapy session.
FLEABAG
Hi, Martin. No, I'm not doing that again.
MARTIN
I demand therapy! Or I'll report you to PETA.
Fleabag rolls her eyes and turns to the camera.
FLEABAG
Why did I think this could end well?
TO BE CONTINUED
Fleabag - Episode 5: First Date
INT. FLEABAG'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
FLEABAG, 30s and slightly disheveled, sits on her bed, scrolling through her phone. She looks to the CAMERA.
FLEABAG
(to camera)
Here we go again, another date.
CLAIRE, Fleabag's sister, barges in unannounced.
CLAIRE
Did you steal my dress?
FLEABAG
What? No!
Fleabag wears Claire's dress.
CLAIRE
(smirks)
Good luck washing the cat piss out.
FLEABAG
(to camera)
Fantastic.
INT. COFFEE SHOP - NIGHT
Fleabag sits across from JOHN, a handsome but awkward guy in his 30s.
JOHN
So...I don't usually do online dating.
FLEABAG
(smiles)
Neither do I.
Fleabag glances at CAMERA.
FLEABAG
(to camera)
Sixth time this month.
JOHN
What do you do for a living?
FLEABAG
I own a quirky, little guinea pig themed cafe. You?
JOHN
Speech Therapist. People call me the Voice Whisperer.
Fleabag smirks to CAMERA.
EXT. PARK - NIGHT
Fleabag and John walk close together, laughing. A small part of Fleabag is enjoying this.
JOHN
Then the principal congratulated me!
FLEABAG
(trying not to laugh)
That's incredible!
John puts his arm around Fleabag as they walk.
FLEABAG
(to camera)
We might have a winner here.
INT. FLEABAG'S APARTMENT - LATER
Fleabag and John make out passionately on the couch, unaware that Claire and FATHER are in the background, arguing.
FATHER
Don't fight, Claire!
CLAIRE
Are you kidding? She stole my dress!
FLEABAG
(releasing from the kiss)
I can feel your pants through my pants.
JOHN
(blushing)
Oh, I uh...sorry.
Suddenly, realizing there is an audience, Fleabag turns her head and sees Claire and Father.
FLEABAG
What the hell are you doing here?
CLAIRE
(angry)
I came to get my dress!
Fleabag glances at CAMERA.
FLEABAG
(to camera)
Some people have no boundaries.
TO BE CONTINUED
Fleabag: Unexpected Revelations
INT. FLEABAG'S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - EARLY MORNING
FLEABAG (mid-30s, disheveled, in her pajamas) is sitting on the couch, watching tv and eating cereal. She looks hungover. Suddenly, there’s a knock at the door. Fleabag turns off the tv and reluctantly gets up.
FLEABAG: (to the camera) Seriously? Who the bloody hell could this be?
She opens the door, revealing CLAIRE (early 40s, neat and tidy). Fleabag’s face turns from annoyance to surprise.
CLAIRE: (cheerful) Morning, sis.
FLEABAG: (confused) What are you doing here?
CLAIRE: Wanted to talk to you about something important. (pushes past Fleabag and heads to the kitchen)
Fleabag follows her.
INT. FLEABAG’S APARTMENT - KITCHEN - EARLY MORNING
Claire clears a spot at the table and sits down. Fleabag leans against the kitchen counter.
FLEABAG: (looking at Claire) You always have perfect timing, Claire.
CLAIRE: I was nearby for a meeting with a client. Anyway, let's not talk about that...
FLEABAG: Okay. So, why are you here then?
Claire takes a deep breath and looks at Fleabag, gathering her courage.
CLAIRE: I think Martin and I need a break.
FLEABAG: (tries to feign shock) Really? (to the camera) Finally!
CLAIRE: Yes. I’ve had enough of his goddamn arrogance and selfishness.
FLEABAG: (nods) Good. For you.
There’s a brief silence.
CLAIRE: Anyway, I wanted to ask if I could stay at yours for a few days. I need time to think and plan.
FLEABAG: (smirking) Are you rolling in the mud now, Claire?
CLAIRE: (rolls her eyes) Don't be a pain. It's just a few days.
FLEABAG: Fine, move in. (to the camera) It's not like my life can get any more messed up.
INT. FLEABAG’S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Fleabag is sitting on the couch in her pajamas, holding a glass of wine. Claire arrives from the bathroom, dressed in a silk robe.
CLAIRE: Still drinking, I see.
FLEABAG: (grinning) Don't pretend like you don't need one too.
Claire sits down next to Fleabag without saying a word. They start watching a horror movie. Suddenly, Fleabag's phone rings.
FLEABAG: Who the hell could this be?
She reads the Caller ID and looks shocked.
FLEABAG: Dad?
INT. FLEABAG’S APARTMENT - BATHROOM - NIGHT
Fleabag has the phone pressed to her ear, pacing nervously in the bathroom.
FLEABAG: (worried) Did something happen to Mum? Or Godmother?
DAD: (voice-over) No, no. Everyone is fine. I just... I have something to share. I know it’s late, but it couldn’t wait.
Fleabag sits on the edge of the bathtub.
FLEABAG: Okay, please don't keep me in suspense.
DAD: I have a long-lost brother. His name is George. (pause) He came to see me today. I didn’t believe him at first, but he had photos and documents to prove it. He’s my half-brother.
Fleabag is noticeably stunned.
FLEABAG: (whispers) What?
INT. FLEABAG’S APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Fleabag leaves the bathroom, looking pale and shocked, the horror movie still playing in the background. Claire notices and gets worried.
CLAIRE: What’s wrong?
FLEABAG: (shaking her head) Dad has a long-lost brother. (then, dryly) We have an uncle.
Claire looks even more shocked than Fleabag.
TO BE CONTINUED
Fleabag: The Unexpected Reunion
INT. GUINEA PIG CAFE - MORNING
FLEABAG (early 30s, attractive, wearing her signature black jumpsuit) is behind the counter, preparing a tray of pastries. CLAIRE (mid 30s, blond, neat business attire) enters the cafe, looking flustered.
FLEABAG
(looking up)
Oh, look who decided to come down from her executive high horse.
CLAIRE
(irritated)
Very funny. I don't have time for this. I've got a huge presentation in an hour, and I can't find that stupid lipstick you gave me. You better not have taken it back!
FLEABAG
(rolls eyes)
CUTAWAY FLASHBACK - INT. FLEABAG'S FLAT - NIGHT
Fleabag is seen secretly applying Claire's lipstick while looking in the mirror. Fleabag smirks and clutches the lipstick tube.
RETURN TO SCENE
FLEABAG
(mischievously grinning)
I have no idea where it is, darling.
CLAIRE
(straightening her clothes)
Never mind. Just give me a black coffee.
Fleabag takes her time pouring the coffee, deliberately slow. Claire checks her watch pointedly.
CLAIRE
(agitated)
Can you hurry up, please?
FLEABAG
(pouring even slower)
I think I found a new shade you might like.
CLAIRE
(gritting teeth)
No, thanks. I don't need your lipstick charity.
As Fleabag hands Claire the coffee, HARRY (30s, decent-looking, wearing smart trousers and a white shirt, not tucked in) enters the cafe. He's visibly surprised and uncomfortable to see Fleabag.
FLEABAG
(direct-to-camera)
No, no, NO!
HARRY
(stammering)
H-hey, Fleabag... Didn't know you... owned a cafe now.
FLEABAG
(enjoying his discomfort)
Yeah, I sell guinea pig pastries now. Want one?
CLAIRE
(to Harry, unimpressed)
What are you doing here?
HARRY
(wincing)
Stopped in to get a coffee before my meeting.
Fleabag gives Harry a cup of coffee, holding onto it a second too long.
FLEABAG
(peering into Harry's eyes)
Have a lovely meeting.
They share awkward, but intense eye contact. Harry eventually pulls his hand away with the cup.
HARRY
(smiling nervously)
Thanks... Nice seeing you both.
Harry exits the cafe in a hurry, and Fleabag watches as he leaves, smirking.
CLAIRE
(disgusted, shaking her head)
Can we just pretend that didn't happen?
FLEABAG
(raising an eyebrow)
Only if you try and find your lipstick.
CLAIRE
(annoyed)
Fine. I'll see you at dinner tonight.
Fleabag watches as Claire leaves the cafe. The doorbell chimes as an OLDER WOMAN (50s, wearing a stylish dress) enters.
OLDER WOMAN
(kindly smiling)
Morning. Is the owner of the cafe here?
FLEABAG
(wiping her hands on her apron)
That would be me. What can I do for you?
OLER WOMAN
(grinning)
I'm your aunt. Your mother's sister. Pleased to meet you.
FLEABAG
(direct-to-camera)
Oh, bloody hell.
TO BE CONTINUED
Fleabag - The Unplanned Guest
INT. FLEABAG'S CAFE - DAY
FLEABAG (mid-30s, brilliantly disheveled) is working the register while CLAIRE (her successful yet tense sister) drinks her coffee nearby.
FLEABAG: Another day, another dollar. Or in this case, another pound. But actually, just another headache.
Fleabag turns to the camera and raises her eyebrows condescendingly.
CLAIRE: Have you considered getting an assistant? Someone who could really bring some order to the chaos?
FLEABAG: (smirks) What chaos? I'm thriving.
CLAIRE: (rolls eyes) Whatever you say.
MARTIN (Claire's creepy husband) walks in, carrying a mysterious box.
MARTIN: Hello, girls! I've got a special delivery for the lovely Fleabag.
CLAIRE: What is it, Martin?
MARTIN: Well, if you must know, it's a live lobster! I won it at the pub quiz last night.
Fleabag turns to the camera and mouths 'lobster'.
FLEABAG: Oh, great. You know, just what I've been waiting for. Can't wait to meet my new pet. (sarcastically)
MARTIN: Well, I thought maybe you could cook it up for dinner tonight, as a thank you for putting up with my charms.
CLAIRE: No one asked you to be charming.
Fleabag grabs the box, addresses the camera.
FLEABAG: (laughs) Charming.
INT. FLEABAG'S KITCHEN - NIGHT
FLEABAG: (to camera) So here we are, just me and... (opens the box) Lucifer... the lobster. Sorry, I've already named him. That must mean something, right?
Fleabag slowly puts the lobster in the sink.
FLEABAG: One question: How the hell am I supposed to cook this thing?
HOT MISCONDUCT (aka The Priest, early 30s, nerdy cool) appears, seemingly out of nowhere.
HOT MISCONDUCT: You called?
FLEABAG: Jesus Christ! How long have you been standing there?
HOT MISCONDUCT: I'd say roughly 3 Hail Marys.
Fleabag tries to compose herself.
FLEABAG: Well, thank God... you're here. (laughs) What a coincidence!
HOT MISCONDUCT: This isn't a coincidence, Fleabag. You've been praying for help, haven't you?
FLEABAG: (to camera) More like wishing for death, but sure, let's call it praying.
HOT MISCONDUCT: Let's save this lobster. TO BE CONTINUED.
Fleabag - Episode X: The Surprise Guest
INT. FLEABAG'S APARTMENT - DAY
FLEABAG is sitting on her couch, wearing pajamas, drinking a cup of coffee, and scrolling through her phone. She looks at the camera.
FLEABAG
(looking at the camera)
What? It's Sunday.
Her phone buzzes with a text message. It's from CLAIRE.
TEXT:
Remember, we have brunch with Dad and Martin today. 11 AM.
FLEABAG groans and rolls her eyes.
FLEABAG
(looking at the camera)
I would rather stick my head in an oven.
FLEABAG texts back:
Can't come. Busy.
EXT. CAFE - DAY
FLEABAG walks down the street towards a cafe in her usual energetic stride. She notices a familiar face from behind - the PRIEST.
FLEABAG
(looking at the camera)
Of course...
She tries to sneak past him without being noticed but accidentally crashes into a bike rack, causing the PRIEST to notice her.
PRIEST
Fleabag!
FLEABAG
(smiling nervously)
Oh, hi! Fancy meeting you here.
PRIEST
Actually, I'm meeting my brother for brunch. He's in town for a conference.
FLEABAG
(looking at the camera)
I guess we're all having brunch with the devil today.
PRIEST
(looking around, concerned)
Is everything okay? You seem to be avoiding something. Are you okay?
FLEABAG forces a smile and tries to reassure the PRIEST.
FLEABAG
No, everything is fine! Just, you know, running away from responsibility.
INT. FLEABAG'S CAFE - DAY
FLEABAG enters her cafe, thinking she has safely escaped brunch with her family. The cafe is busy with customers. Suddenly, her family - DAD, CLAIRE, and MARTIN - walk in. FLEABAG freezes in shock.
CLAIRE
(holding her phone)
Dad, look. She tweeted that she's here. Can't hide, Flea!
FLEABAG feels trapped.
FLEABAG
(looking at the camera)
Bloody social media.
DAD
(cluelessly)
What's going on, Flea? Claire said you didn't want to join us for brunch today.
FLEABAG tries to come up with an excuse.
FLEABAG
I thought brunch was canceled, so I came to work instead. But I'm glad to see you all here. I'll just go freshen up.
She makes her way to the washroom.
INT. CAFE WASHROOM - DAY
FLEABAG leans against the door, feeling panicked.
FLEABAG
(looking at the camera, whispering)
I need a way out of this. Fast.
CLAIRE, suspecting something is amiss, follows her into the washroom.
CLAIRE
Fleabag, do you really think you can avoid us all day? We're not that terrible, are we?
FLEABAG
(sighs)
No, you're not. I'm just... not in the mood for family time.
CLAIRE
I get it, but sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do.
Just then, they hear the PRIEST and his brother, the surprise guest, arriving at the cafe, chatting loudly.
FLEABAG
(looking at the camera)
Oh no, it's Armageddon.
TO BE CONTINUED.
Fleabag - A New Connection
INT. FLEABAG'S CAFE - MORNING
FLEABAG is behind the counter making coffee as a CUSTOMER waits. She gives one of her signature asides to the audience.
FLEABAG
(to the audience)
New day, new opportunities to hate people.
CLAIRE enters the cafe, looking disheveled and tired.
FLEABAG
(smiling)
Aren't we looking bright and early this morning?
CLAIRE
(angry)
Don't. Just...don't.
As they continue talking, the CUSTOMER stands there forgotten.
FLEABAG
Has Martin finally lost it?
CLAIRE
No, thankfully. But he was snoring all night. I couldn't sleep.
FLEABAG
Oh much, much better.
(remembering the customer)
One cappuccino. Enjoy!
The CUSTOMER leaves, and FLEABAG turns back to CLAIRE.
FLEABAG
Why don't you just get ear plugs?
CLAIRE
(mocking)
Why don't you just get ear plugs? Thanks for the groundbreaking advice.
FLEABAG
(mocking)
The sarcasm is so much hotter on me.
As they continue teasing each other, a STRANGER walks into the cafe.
FLEABAG
(noticing the stranger)
Hello there! What can I get for you?
STRANGER
(smiling)
Just a black coffee.
CLAIRE
(disapproving)
The boring choice.
FLEABAG
(smirking)
Everyone needs a little black in their life.
CLAIRE rolls her eyes and heads for the door.
CLAIRE
Have a good day at the cafe. And with the boring guy.
FLEABAG
Bye Claire! Have fun with... life!
After CLAIRE leaves, FLEABAG turns back to the STRANGER as she prepares his coffee.
FLEABAG
(talking to the stranger)
So, what brings you here?
STRANGER
(smiling)
I just moved to the neighborhood. Trying out all the coffee shops, seeing which one I like the best.
FLEABAG
(handling the coffee)
Well, don't you worry! I'm going to blow their minds.
(turning to the audience)
He has absolutely no idea how accurate that is.
She hands him the coffee, and they exchange a smile.
FLEABAG
That'll be £2.50.
The STRANGER hands over the money and notices a 'help wanted' sign on the counter.
STRANGER
(smiling)
Oh, are you hiring?
FLEABAG
(playfully)
I might be.
STRANGER
Any chance I could apply for the position?
FLEABAG
(to the audience)
And the plot thickens...
Theres a SOUND outside the cafe - A car CRASH.
FLEABAG and STRANGER rush to the WINDOW.
FLEABAG
(looking concerned)
The universe does love its interruptions.
TO BE CONTINUED
Fleabag Season 3, Episode 1: The One Where Fleabag Finds Normality
INT. FLEABAG'S KITCHEN - MORNING
Fleabag, in her PJs, is making breakfast. She checks her phone, scrolling through social media. She glances at the camera, addressing the viewers.
FLEABAG
(sarcastically)
Ah, just a normal day in my completely normal life.
CLAIRE (O.S.)
Fleabag!
Fleabag jumps, her phone slips out of her hands, and she quickly turns around to see Claire entering the room, immaculately dressed as always.
CLAIRE (CONT'D)
I need your help with the shop.
FLEABAG
(smiling)
That's new. How's the married life treating you? And how's Klare-with-a-K?
Claire rolls her eyes.
CLAIRE
(movie quote reference)
Klare says 'life is like a box of chocolates.' Ugh, whatever. Now will you help me or not?
Fleabag smiles, puts her phone down and gets dressed.
INT. ALL'S WELL GIFT SHOP - DAY
Fleabag and Claire are behind the counter, setting up the cash register. Fleabag glances at the camera.
FLEABAG
(speaking to viewers)
Not our Guinea Pig themed café, but at least it's something.
Claire is frantically organizing shelves.
FLEABAG (CONT'D)
(to Claire)
Relax, Claire. You're going to love the new line of ceramic guinea pigs I found.
CLAIRE
(confused)
But that's not what the shop is about now. We're all about wellness.
FLEABAG
Well, guinea pigs make me happy. That counts, right?
Claire just stares at her for a moment.
CLAIRE
Just get to work, please.
As Claire walks away, Fleabag smirks at the camera.
EXT. ALL'S WELL GIFT SHOP - DAY
Fleabag is outside, putting a table with merchandise next to a sign that says 'SALE'. Martin walks by, looking bitter and scruffy. Fleabag raises her eyebrows at the camera.
MARTIN
(angry)
I hope those guinea pigs explode.
FLEABAG
(smiling)
Lovely to see you too, Martin.
He angrily walks away. Claire comes out and sees Fleabag watching Martin's departure. She looks at Fleabag.
CLAIRE
Let's just focus on the shop, okay?
FLEABAG
Agreed.
INT. CAFÉ - DAY
Fleabag and Claire are having lunch. Claire is checking her phone, replying to work emails.
FLEABAG
How's Dad doing?
CLAIRE
Oh, he's fine. Godmother's planning another art show. Apparently she's now 'inspired by the wilderness.'
FLEABAG
I guess we'll be subjected to a jungle-themed erotic performance.
Claire chuckles but quickly recomposes herself.
CLAIRE
I hope not.
Fleabag gives a playful smile before glancing at the camera.
FLEABAG
(winking at the audience)
We all know we love to hate her art exhibitions.
TO BE CONTINUED
Fleabag - Artistic Endeavors
INT. FLEABAG'S LIVING ROOM - DAY
Fleabag is sitting on the couch with her laptop on the coffee table, scrolling through art workshop listings. Claire walks in, dressed business-casual.
CLAIRE
(record-breaking levels of enthusiasm)
You have to come with me to this art workshop this afternoon.
FLEABAG
(looking up from her laptop, unenthused)
Since when are you into art?
CLAIRE
(pointing to a painting she just bought)
Since I bought this. Plus, it's an excellent networking opportunity.
Fleabag raises an eyebrow skeptically and turns to the audience.
FLEABAG
(cynically, to the audience)
An artist now, apparently.
INT. ART WORKSHOP - DAY
Fleabag and Claire walk into a small art studio. Easels are set up in neat rows, and people are wearing aprons and painting. They take two free seats near the front. The INSTRUCTOR - a man in his 60s with shoulder-length hair - greets them.
INSTRUCTOR
(thick French accent)
Ah, bonjour mesdemoiselles! Welcome to the workshop. Today we will find our artistic spirits!
Fleabag talks to the audience, gesturing towards the instructor.
FLEABAG
(to the audience)
Note how the silk scarf perfectly matches the soulful eyes.
The class begins. The instructor roams around offering encouragement and advice. He approaches Claire and Fleabag just as Claire splatters paint on Fleabag's easel.
CLAIRE
(over-apologizing)
Oh, God! Sorry, sorry!
The instructor chuckles at Claire's nervousness.
INSTRUCTOR
(encouragingly)
No harm done, remember - all accidents in art can become beautiful creations. Let it flow.
Some time passes, and Fleabag is surprisingly enthralled by the instructor as he continues to impart wisdom on the class.
FLEABAG
(to the audience)
He's like a French Bob Ross. Bob Ross-stissant?
INT. ART WORKSHOP - DAY - LATER
The class concludes, and Claire is chatting with some PEOPLE from the workshop. Fleabag approaches the instructor.
FLEABAG
(faking modesty)
My canvas accidentally turned into this. I can't seem to find my artistic spirit.
INSTRUCTOR
(inspecting her canvas)
Ah, no worries. It's in there, just takes time and practice to bring it out.
Fleabag smiles at him and turns to the audience.
FLEABAG
(to the audience)
I think his spirit went for a cigarette and forgot mine on the way.
INT. ART WORKSHOP - DAY - LATER
Fleabag and Claire walk towards the exit.
CLAIRE
(nervously)
Do you... do you think he's serious about having me in his upcoming class?
FLEABAG
(teasing)
Wow, someone's got the hots for Professor Artiste over there.
Claire rolls her eyes and pushes the door open.
TO BE CONTINUED
Fleabag: Finding Serenity
INT. FLEABAG'S CAFE - DAY
Fleabag is frantically searching for something under the counter. Her sister Claire enters the cafe, looking annoyed.
FLEABAG: (panicked) Where the bloody hell is it?
CLAIRE: Looking for this?
Claire holds up a small box.
FLEABAG: (relieved) Oh, thank God! You life-saver.
CLAIRE: Generally, this makes you seem disorganised, you know.
FLEABAG: (to camera) She can never resist a dig.
Claire sits down at one of the tables, and Fleabag joins her.
CLAIRE: I came by to remind you about dinner tonight. Mum's making a big deal out of it.
FLEABAG: Oh, right. The whole "let's pretend we're a normal, functional family" charade.
CLAIRE: Exactly. So, wear something nice.
FLEABAG: (sarcastic) I'll wear my best trash bag.
INT. FLEABAG'S APARTMENT - DAY
Fleabag is selecting an outfit for the dinner. She holds up a dress and cringes.
FLEABAG: (to camera) God, I need new clothes.
Boo's ghost appears behind her.
BOO: You could always borrow my stuff.
FLEABAG: (surprised) Boo! You're... you're here?
BOO: Of course. I'm here to keep you in check.
Fleabag picks a dress and looks to Boo for approval.
BOO: It'll do.
INT. FLEABAG'S FAMILY LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
The family is gathered around the table. Fleabag is sat between Claire and their father. Everyone is in the midst of awkward conversation.
FATHER: So, Fleabag, how's the cafe?
FLEABAG: Oh, you know, same old. Rodents and stale bread.
CLAIRE: She's kidding, Dad. The cafe's actually doing very well.
MOTHER: (changing the subject) Claire, how's your job?
CLAIRE: The promotion is going well, but I'm taking on more responsibilities. It's a lot to manage.
FLEABAG: (to camera) She loves it, really.
INT. FLEABAG'S FAMILY KITCHEN - NIGHT
Fleabag and Claire are washing dishes together.
FLEABAG: I saw Boo today.
CLAIRE: (concerned) You mean her ghost?
FLEABAG: Yes, but she helped me pick out this dress.
CLAIRE: Okay, that's bizarre.
FLEABAG: (teasing) Maybe you need to see a therapist.
INT. FLEABAG'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Fleabag returns home after dinner and finds an open bottle of wine on the table.
BOO: (from the doorway) I thought I'd treat you to a drink.
FLEABAG: (to camera) This could get weird. But, why not?
The two friends start drinking and reminiscing about old times.
TO BE CONTINUED
Fleabag - The Lost Reunion
INT. FLEABAG'S CAFE - DAY
We see FLEABAG putting up a sign that says "TODAY'S SPECIAL: A FREE SHOT OF GUILT WITH A LATTE". CLAIRE enters the cafe, and Fleabag notices her from the corner of her eye.
FLEABAG
(To the camera)
Just not in the mood to deal with this today.
CLAIRE
(restrained excitement)
You are not going to believe it! I did it!
FLEABAG
What? You quit the job, bombed the office, or finally dyed your hair that horrific orange shade?
CLAIRE
(smiling)
I found Daddy!
FLEABAG
(deadpan, straight to camera)
Fantastic. Just what we needed.
INT. FLEABAG AND CLAIRE’S DAD’S LIVING ROOM - DAY
FLEABAG, CLAIRE, and DAD sit around a table, a tea set placed in front of them. There's an uncomfortable silence.
DAD
(nervous)
It’s so nice to see you girls.
CLAIRE
We are here to reconnect as a family, to heal and to move forward.
FLEABAG
(To camera)
Or to dig up the past and remind ourselves why we haven't spoken in years. (Turning to Dad) You know what, Dad? I can't do this. I've got to go back to the cafe.
DAD
(defensive)
I made a mistake by leaving, but I want to make things right.
FLEABAG
(emotional)
Well, it's too late!
A ring at the doorbell. CLAIRE opens it. MARTIN is on the doorstep, grinning.
MARTIN
Surprise!
FLEABAG
Oh, bloody hell, you invited Martin?!
CLAIRE
It was supposed to be a secret.
FLEABAG
(To camera)
This is a circus.
MARTIN
I brought the champagne, just like you asked!
INT. FLEABAG'S CAFE - NIGHT
The cafe is bustling with customers. Fleabag stands at the bar, occasionally looking over at her 'Reserved' sign for her family table.
CLAIRE
(sincere)
Fleabag, I know Dad can be a handful, but isn't this what families are about? Forgiveness, understanding, and learning to love each other even after... everything?
FLEABAG
(surprised at her sincerity)
You're right, Claire. For once, you might be right.
They clink their glasses.
DAD
(enthusiastic)
To a new beginning!
FLEABAG
(To camera, smirking)
What could possibly go wrong... TO BE CONTINUED.
